When no one will understand, I know blogspot will. After all my frustrations, failures and heartbreaks I can't help but ask " Is Mr. Gokongwei, Lucio Tan, Ayala-Zobel, Bill Gates and the likes ever worried about money?" Maybe not coz money voluntarily goes in their bank accounts even if they are peacefully asleep, playing golf or taking showers. I wonder how they will react if they will know that I'm one ordinary Filipina hoping to have a piece of land and a small house of my own yet getting 200,000 pesos is like reaching the summit of Mount Everest. I'm sure they will laugh at me coz they surely earn that amount in a matter of minutes. Yes I only need that amount to pay for a piece of land so that I could start my housing loan. Yet, I was only insulted and frustrated the first time I met the land owner. Heaven knows I'm not good at dealing serious business but I really tried my best. I thought it's as easy as " hello maam I think I like your property, I want to purchase it thru loan". She had enough experiences and too bad she couldn't trust any housing loan agency anymore.
I swear she didn't went out of her cage to extend her hand and said Hello to me. She was just inside her small sari-sari store and paying little attention to everything I said. Maybe she doesn't like me or I don't look rich and probably can't afford to pay her. Actually she's right but why the hell I was there. The actual price was actually much higher than the price I bargain so maybe she wasn't interested about me. But I was thinking, if only I have the money with me the time I went to her house I'm sure she has no choice but sell her land @ 200,000. My fault, so maybe next time I need to have the money before dealing with realtors.
Five minutes away from the site, Gaisano mall will soon rise. I'm sure the Lot price will be doubled or worst tripled. If only I saved before or started this project early am sure it won't be this expensive yet. sigh! I regret and today is the right time to start.
I need to heal my broken heart and while doing so, my father will help me find a perfect location. I told him to help me find an affordable yet perfect place to stay. Now I have no choice but apply all kinds of loans just to raise the total amount. I asked ate Jo if I could still survive or will have enough money to buy milk for my baby .She was just smiling and said " God will provide, don't worry Jenn" there was even a time where I have no money to buy food just because I was paying for my housing loan. Thank God I have friends who keep me strong and I have crystal who gives my life a better direction.
Sometimes I envy my friends who have husband to help them build family. Even if the husband is not earning much but he is there to support the wife, help her raise kids and plan for the family. I guess having a family is not just all about money, it is about love. It is about giving and supporting each other to build a strong family and mold well rounded kids. I admit I can’t do everything myself and I’m not enough for crystal. I wish while I’m busy at work I could call my husband and ask “ could you please check crystal if she’s ok at home, did u find a nice house for us, can we afford it, how much is your savings I have mine maybe it is enough to pay in advance”. But I have none, I have no one to talk with but myself. Can we afford it myself? Are u okay Jenn? You worry too much, remember God will provide. My life is never ok, not normal.
Although I have parents to help me take care crystal, pay for our food, provide us shelter, and pay some bills baby will always be my responsibility. If my mom didn’t hurt me a week ago I’ll surely not realize that and my being irresponsible parent to crystal. Although I have Jesse to send me 7,000 pesos a month but there’s no assurance and we’ll never know if next month or so he will send us another money. There was a time when my baby got sick and really I look fool waiting for Jesse to go online coz I need him to help me buy meds. I also could not call him coz my load is not enough to call long distance, if only I know his landline I might just buy a cheap overseas card just to reach him. All the while I thought I have partner but it’s just now I realized I don’t have.
Sometimes it feels pathetic going to jollibee without crystal’s father. I have to carry her, the bag filled with pacifier, bottles, wipes diaper and jacket. If only I have a partner in life I’m sure he could carry the things while I carry the baby or him carrying crystal while I have the bag. Bitter realities and this time I could say “ It’s not good to be a single mom” I heard lots of single moms out there saying they are happy without husbands or they are ok. That’s so hard to believe coz for me it’s not ok. I only say ok to cover up bitterness or to boast self-esteem but deep inside I’m not. It’s never easy to teach crystal about good manners, explain why it’s not good to cry over things she could not get, train her not to pee or poop in her diaper anymore or much more teach her about family and love. IT IS NOT EASY, IT IS NOT NORMAL!
Why I’m saying all these? Coz I don’t want it locked up in my heart. This is what I feel and I’m expressing this ‘till I cry no more.
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